Words By KJ Kearney
It’s Christmas time*, so it’s time to wrap up your Holiday shopping. I’ve seen gift guides for kids, men, women, and pets, but none for the most popular segment of shoppers. A niche group of individuals that have always been there, even before Migos came on the scene, but had no name in which to refer of them.
I’m talking about “Young Rich N****s.”
I mean, maybe you HAVE seen some shopping guides for them but I haven’t. And since the Holidays are about inclusion, I dedicated some time to curate 15 finely selected items sure to please the YRN you’ve yet to cover on your shopping list.
Please enjoy, and I encourage you to share this list with your friends and family members that may be facing the same dilemma.
* — Since Chanukah has passed, no discrimination here. And don’t get all up in arms because I didn’t mention Kwanzaa because you know good and well you don’t celebrate Kwanzaa
The 94Fifty Smart Sensor Basketball is designed to work with the 94Fifty Basketball app to help basketball players track their muscle memory, skills, strengths, and weaknesses. It can tell if you’re stronger driving to the basket with your left hand or your right AND by how much. That’s not why you should get this for the YRN in your life, though. You should get it because it’s a $200 basketball that connects to his iPhone. Sheeeeit, the only reason they MIGHT use this is to see with which hand they need to be throwing their money when they’re at the strip club.
Buy It: Apple
YRNs don’t workout so there’s no need to buy them any cross trainers. The only form of cardio they get is from watching their money jump out the gym (word to the Migos). And since that doesn’t require much movement, get your YRN some socks that compliment his lifestyle. These Zimmerli Over-the-Calf 100% Cashmere socks are so delicate that they start to break apart after six wash and wears.
Whatevs. Just don’t show up with a pack of Nike Elites and think you’re doing something.
Buy It: CustomShirt1.com
YRN Bike Lock
First of all, no self-respecting YRN is going to be caught dead riding a bicycle. Unless he’s got a bad biddy like 3D Na’Tee or one of those TSS Nightcap chicks on the handle bars, ya dig? But if that’s the case, then you’ve got to make sure his bike is protected with something as luxurious as the woman perched upon said handle bars. This Alexander Wang blackened steel bike lock fits the bill. No bike thief would even think about touching his ride when he/she sees this–not out of fear but out of reverence.
Buy It: Alexander Wang
Crest whitens, no doubt about that. But when you’re a YRN, Crest won’t cut it because you need the Lambo of toothpaste. Something that screams, “I’m rich, B*tch!” when you hop out of bed and crank your swag every morning. Enter the THEODENT™ 300 luxury toothpaste. For $100 you’ll get 3.4 ounces of squeezable, non-abrasive, fluoride-free, Rennou-filled, FDA-approved goodness. Talk about expensive conversation, am I right? /rimshot
Buy It: Biovea
So you think a YRN is going to pair some $100 toothpaste with some regular-ass Oral B joint? Try this Reinast toothbrush instead. The toothbrush is made out of Titanium and YOU HAVE TO SUBMIT YOUR INFO FOR A PRICE QUOTE! For a toothbrush! (some lazy internet sleuthing found a price point near $200, though) On the bright side, your YRN only has to buy replacement bristles when they wear down, so he’ll have this toothbrush forever. That’s flashy AND fiscally responsible.
Buy It: Reinast
“She asked me why my drawls silk, I told her it’s Versace!” Description done. I figured since Versace is the choice of YRNs everywhere, these would be their undergarment of choice. HAHAHA imagine Migos’ performing with THESE on HAHAHAHA. Actually, don’t do that. Moving on…
Buy It: Versace (of course)
YRN Car Wax
The $97,060 GRV goldRally Wax produced by Mitchell & King is not for use on your Honda Civic. But since no YRN would be caught dead in a Honda Civic that probably goes without saying. Bentleys and better for this here vehicular improvement sauce, bruh. That and nearly 100 racks…
Buy It: Mitchell & King
YRN Toilet Paper
Seventeen dollars is not a lot of money. Unless you’re talking about a roll of toilet paper, which I will talk about, so I’m obviously talking some YRN shit right now (double entendre). It’s like cashmere for your *sshole, only made from the most luxurious disposable paper that money can buy.
Buy It: Fuwa
P.S. – These joints are made in Japan. When adding shipping to the price, then we’re probably talking $60 per roll. It ain’t trickin’ if ya got it, though.
YRN Bottled Water
The World’s most expensive bottled water is made in Mexico and sells for $60,000?! Is there not something inherently wrong with this combination? Doesn’t matter. The YRN in your life probably wouldn’t drink the water anyway. It’s more likely he affixes it to a chain and rocks it in the club and uses it for stuntin’ purposes. It’s like buying a baby a gift and it just plays with the wrapping paper instead.
Buy It: World’s Most Expensive Water
YRN Book About Premium Bottled Water
Required reading for a YRN concerned about his daily water intake. No Aquafina discussed within these pages. No sir! Here the YRN whom you bless it with will learn all about the process of crafting high-end bottled water, what brands are the best within this industry, flavor compositions and more. Pair with the FineWaters Dedicated Drinking Glass (think champagne flute with bigger opening) and you’ve got yourself a winner!
Buy It: Finewaters
YRN Tee Shirt
YRNs need t-shirts too. They’re a basic piece in any man’s wardrobe. But if you think someone like young Quavo is just going to rock a white Hanes underneath his Versace shirt, you’ve got another thing coming! That’s why you should consider getting the YRN you’re shopping for this $90,000 Hermes Croc T-Shirt, made from–you guessed it!–real crocodile. Because only the best will do when you’re on stage repeating the same words over and over and over again…
Buy It: Hermes
Everything that touches a YRN’s body has to be superb and this includes his deodorant. You may be surprised to hear this but YRNs sweat, too (counting all that money is hard work). So reward the one in your life with this $85 piece of art, Creed’s Himalaya Deodorant. Does it cost a lot? Yes, but when you consider that it’s alcohol-free, placed in a shatter proof container, and topped with an embossed metal badge on the top, then it all starts to make sense. We think.
Buy It: Harrods
Professional athletes and regular people alike think that Beats By Dre are the best but Beats ain’t got nothing on these. Nah, bruh, a YRN knows that the ultimate in headphones is made in America and costs $5,495. The Abyss AB-1266 headphones are crafted from metal with earpads wrapped in lambskin. If this isn’t studio session-approved for a YRN, then we’re lost to what is!
Buy It: Abyss retailers
YRN Televison (4k Ultra HD)
You still plugging your Xbox into a HD TV? A real YRN who knows that there can be better is ready to move on from this elementary viewing experience. See: Samsung’s UN85S9. It’s less a television and more a piece of art, seeing as it rests on an easel-like base and costs damn near $40,000. It’s certainly the granddaddy of 4K Ultra High Definition displays and the only way to play “Call of Duty” or “NCAA 13″ or whatever games YRN’s play. I wouldn’t know because, obviously, I’m not rich.
Buy It: Best Buy
YRN Stuffed Teddy Bear
While living the life of a YRN seems quite glamorous, there are times when the luxurious World can become a bit much and you need someone to just listen, without judgement. Dogs can leave a mess and women can become bothersome so why not just scoop this Steiff Diamond Eyes Teddy Bear. Made in German, it meets all the the requirements for a YRN accessory: it’s mouth is made of pure gold, it’s fur is composed of golden threads, it’s eyes are made of both sapphires and diamonds, plus it’s super limited–only 84 of them were created. With totally justifies it’s $84,000 price tag.
Buy It: Toy Tokyo