Dear Stacey,

A few quick things I’d like to communicate whilst I have your attention and these goons are busy ogling at your new cover.

1. I will find you and marry you. This is not a request. Merely information I thought you may need in order to start getting ready. Yes, I know you’re married. You must not have heard J.Cole’s “Dreams.” Crazy things happen because of love, lady. Long and short of it, you will be wife #1 and Alicia Keys will have to play second fiddle (giggidy, giggidy) for a while. Read the rest of this entry »

This whole Nas V. Kelis saga is over. Yep, finally. Kelis won and in turn she gets…wait for it…$299,015.50. Is it just me or does dude keep getting raped for more and more money? As if that wasn’t enough: Read the rest of this entry »

Here we have Wheelchair Jimmy’s video for his first single off his upcoming debut album. Read the rest of this entry »

The other day, your boy Lu was in New York rocking a show or something. It seems he had a lot to get off his chest, starting with his shirt. After getting properly naked and comfortable, he began addressing the crowd and doing what cats in the ’80s called “freestyling”. Yes, the real “off-the-dome” type recitals, not these post-Rap-City era pre-written lyrical abortions you see on TV and in concert these days. Read the rest of this entry »

I only listened to this song because when it was sent to me, the title was “T.I. – Hello/Good Morning.”

True to this fact, I completely spaced out after Tip finished rapping and Sean started talking to himself. So I can’t tell you what the song is like. However, while in my daze, I did have a few thoughts. So I’ll share those instead.

1. Last Train to Paris: Is this a Diddy album, a Dirty Money album or a Diddy attempt at creating a pop version of Detox? Or just a bad idea?

2. Damn, I’m glad T.I. is out of jail. Can’t wait for that album. Read the rest of this entry »

There’s a joke in here somewhere, I just know it.

This These have to be the most WTF YouTube videos of all-time.

So many questions, so little time to answer them. Is there an epidemic wave of Jungle Fever hitting Italy? Do Italian men secretly have “dark desires”? Is it still acceptable to call negroes “colored”? What happened to all the clothes? Are they implying that Black people lurk in your washing machine siphoning detergent, stealing clothes and kidnapping white people? Who comes up with this lunacy?

Also, the most important question, by far: What the….?

The uglier this Nas vs. Kelis saga gets, the more I shake my head at the good brother Nasir.

Just to bring you up to speed, in case you missed it:

Kelis’ lawyer appeared before a judge to file a contempt motion due to Nas’ failure to pay over $200,000.00 in child and spousal support in addition to attorney fees. [BET]

And what did ol’ boy retort with?

The rapper pleaded not guilty through his attorney and was ordered back for a March hearing in Los Angeles.[...] One of Nas’ attorneys, Anthony Ukran, told Cunningham the rapper needs more time to prepare his defense and show he’s unable to pay the court-ordered support amounts.[Billboard]

Word son? Nas, sit down. Let’s talk. You’re facing criminal charges. Meaning, you could do time if convicted. Yeah, I understand it’s a big pill to swallow but homie, you might just have to take the L on this one. Your payments are $51K a month, you make $75k+ per show, you have an album coming out with a reggae legend(and you aired out the ex in one of the singles), and your excuse is that you don’t have the money? Dawg, this ain’t some random bum walking up to you on the street asking for some change. You can’t just say “I ain’t got it.” and walk away. This is the law as fueled by a vindictive ex. Even the judge has peeped your game.

Judge David S. Cunningham III, who is overseeing the divorce proceedings, said Friday it’s starting to look like the rapper is trying to evade court orders.

I’d say appeal later, pay now. Desi doesn’t need to see you go to jail on some BS.

Life’s a bitch, homie.

This Justin kid is going to be a problem of epic proportions. Woe befalleth whomsoever disagrees. There’s a bunch of teen girls out there with raging hormones and pocket money who are about to break their piggy banks for anything with his name on it. Just watch how this new single blows up.

What I’m really looking forward to though is him growing up, getting a few tattoos, chopping off the hair, and then banging Miley Cyrus to boost his career even further. Kinda like his namesake did with Britney. Speaking of which, methinks that since both Justins are in the studio right now, some cheeky executive somewhere has a marketing strategy that may revive chart sales, albeit momentarily.

Either way, this is a good look for Luda. He’s going to piggyback a hefty buzz off this. Also, look out for the random Drake cameo.

Someone tell me this is a bad joke. Please.

After I got past the giggles of being told “Canibus has a new album out”, I sought it out on the interwebs and went from playfully surprised to somewhat sad and concerned in three stages.

Stage 1: That Cover

Remember when the DeLorean was considered a futuristic car and Casio calculator watches were popping? Before Photoshop, before Corel. When all you needed for a cover was a Polaroid of you and your DJ posted up in matching outfits against a brick wall with graffiti on it. Add some cut out letters spelling out the title of your album. Xerox. Done. This cover is from the day after that, courtesy of the first guy to purchase a PC and mastered the high-tech art of MS Paint Version 0.01 Beta. If Canibus has homies and they nodded like “Yo, that shit right there is fire son! Word!”, then they’re probably Gotty’s™ age and/or thoroughly doped out on pain killers, cat pee and unleaded petrol.

Stage 2: The Title

Seriously son. Really? “Melatonin Magik.” That sounds like some nuclear grade dishwashing liquid, but definitely not something I’d willingly confess to having heard. Note to whoever the managing/A&R person may be: packaging is supposed to be appetizing. Or at least palpable. If I were a Canibus fan, I’d shoplift the CD and send an anonymous donation to Best Buy for the value plus tax. That way I don’t have to end up with the cover or have “Canibus Melatonin Magik” on my credit card statement. The wife will think I’m back on drugs or worse, a Canibus fan.

Stage 3: The Tracklisting

Oh, what, you thought you were going to get the wrapper and no candy? Maybe it’s just me, but after seeing the cover and then going through this list, I wanted to find a charity for whatever infliction your boy ‘Bis has.

Apparently, it’s known as PTWS, Post-Traumatic Warlab Stress. Or Track 6 on Melatonin Magik. Either way, I lost all interest in listening to this album and have resolved to join the crowd in ignoring that it even exists.

Melatonin Magik, in stores now.

Google has decided to try and outdo Apple’s attempt at “recycling crap for mass consumption” competition. But instead of going the Tablet PC, Kindle route, they picked Twitter and…well, Gmail. Quite frankly, I’m not exactly sure what Google Buzz is supposed to be, besides more clutter. I guess it’s a nifty way of consolidating information and letting you see what everyone else is thinking, even more. Because that’s the “in” thing now. Read the rest of this entry »

Did you hear the one about the HP webcam that hates Black people? Read the rest of this entry »

This past Christmas, there was one amongst us that was infinitely more glee than the rest. This guy not only escaped from prison and had his holidays in freedom. He also spent his time on the run taunting police on Facebook to applause and advice of thousands. Read the rest of this entry »

Precision, pacing, placement, poise. A sophisticated snap is more than just noise. Read the rest of this entry »

Much as folks could not seem to come to a consensus on whether or not BP3 was actually worth a damn, it was almost unanimously agreed upon that this track was completely out of place. That made most people on this side of the Atlantic uncomfortable. Meanwhile, on the other side of the pond, it seems to have had better reception as it wound up being a single. Read the rest of this entry »

Ray Ray’s music stays in rotation Chez Contra™ because not only does the man make good music, he has good sense. Case in point, the above song and video. Let Ralph tell it, maintaining the spark in a relationship is far from easy. Few are blessed to have found that perfect pairing in their lives. But like all rare things, good relationships require a lot of maintenance.