As a writer, I get to sit in front of the computer for hours at a time. To get me through it, I spend most of my day watching streaming movies on Netflix. Most of the time, I’m watching television shows like Archer or Parks and Recreation, but occasionally I stumble upon some gems that require immediate viewing and ridicule. Four such movies – God Send Me A Man, Thug Love, Stomp The Yard 2: Homecoming, and Stompin’ – are so unforgettable that they must be shared with you. Pop your popcorn, gather your family around and enjoy as TSS takes you to the movies.
God Send Me A Man (Phase 4 Films, 2009) — Did you know that, in a cruel act of punishment rivaling the destruction of Sodom & Gomorrah, God gave us Tyler Perry’s sibling, Emmbre Perry. Emmbre makes Tyler look like a B-grade amateur porn director. Which, of course, means that, compared to Emmbre, Tyler looks way more artistic than he could ever dream of being on his own.
Emmbre’s crowning achievement is the play, God Send Me A Man. The DVD cover features Robin Givens, who only shows up in a whopping two scenes. Instead, the movie focuses on some Atlanta woman’s inability to find a man because she’s stuck on athletes with silk shirts and ponytails. But thanks to the Bible and some male version of Madea, we learn that if you wear short skirts, you’re basically asking to get slapped around and raped a little. And let’s not forget the little sister who’s
not a day younger than 33 in dire need of a role model.
But, since she doesn’t have one, she gets pregnant. In classic Perry fashion, nothing is resolved until some lady sings (she messes up mid-song, and that’s kept in the movie) and Pinky from Next Friday prays the rape and sluttiness out of everyone. In the end, we learn that the man she was looking for God to send was Himself. And a lawyer that drives a BMW. In the end, all is well and one of the worst pieces of “art” is finally over.
Thug Love (Lightyear Entertainment, 2009) — I shit you not, the movie starts with the main character’s boss messing up his line. The audience literally hears him fumble his words, then go back and attempt to reword it. Things only get worse as we go through the trials of an older woman who’s going through a divorce. Luckily, she runs into a short, chocolate kid that only has one gray wife beater and the same pair of Roc-A-Wear pants. He somehow smangs her brains out — while both keep wearing underwear — until her throbbing vagina feels like all is right in the world.
All of that is well and good, but the highlight of the movie is the titular song that plays throughout the movie and the trailer. I ran around the house singing, “we’ll be in the shower, for about an hour, I GOT 69 WAYYYYYSSS TO PLEASE YOUUUUU!!!” DeVante from Jodeci would be proud.
Stomp The Yard 2: Homecoming (Sony Pictures, 2010) — Count me in as one of those uppity Black guys that thought the first Stomp The Yard was an embarrassing piece of shit. The whole idea of crumping your way to the top of the step show circuit is a retarded premise in itself. However, there’s a nation of people that apparently liked the movie, so we get treated to a sequel. And boy, do they up the ante on suck.
David Banner plays a hardcore thug with a toothpick addiction that runs his evil empire on money earned from betting on dance battles and step shows. The cast is a veritable who’s who of has-beens and never-were’s including Derwin, the guy from 106 & Park, the “Google Me” chick, and the girl that used to be the finest one out of 3LW. None of them can act. The best part is Columbus Short returning after the first movie as some sort of wise sage, ready to impart his step show wisdom by using big words and wearing an ascot. In the end, Greeks are all united in the shame that comes from a movie of such unbearably bad cinema.
Stompin’ (Taylor-Reid Entertainment, 2007) — After watching this movie, I’m sure that Sinbad still thinks he was in a comedy. The man made me laugh in every scene, even if I’m not sure if that was the goal. Stompin’ is about two brothers. One plays baseball. One steps. They bang the same girl and have Sinbad for a father. Other than that, I’m not quite sure what’s going on. The flick plays out like a reality show. I say that because it looks like actors were placed in front of the camera and told to talk. Until I see an actual script, I won’t believe one exists.
The movie seems to have been filmed on a college campus where no more than 12 people could be present in any room due to fire marshal codes. Regardless of what party or step show scene they were shooting, the same shots of eight faces kept getting recycled.
The best scene of Stompin’ comes when the more effeminate brother tackles the less effeminate brother in a game of football. This scene is particularly magical because, to make the impact of the tackle seem real, the director decided to literally hit the fast forward button. Then, the big brother grabs his right knee. The camera then cuts to him grabbing his left knee. Then cuts to him grabbing his right knee. Then he gets up and walks off without a limp.
Mya’s softcore porn look-alike is easy on the eyes, so that’s a good thing. Another bonus for the fact that Kappas and Alphas are featured, but nary a Sigma. Clearly, at least one frat out there knows how to stay away from dumpster fire movies.