Album First Listen: Talib Kweli’s Gutter Rainbows
1.21 The Cooler

Tyler Perry Manages To Ruin More Things

By David D. / 01.20.11

Tyler Perry is apparently bored with ruining everything we love about The Bible, so he’s on to the next one. This time, he’s spoofing possibly the greatest movie of all time, The Godfather, for the poster to his new transvestite chronicles: Madea’s Big Happy Family.
I’ve kept most of my Madea-bashing off of the site because I hadn’t seen a single Tyler Perry flick. But thanks to the wonders of having a significant other, I’ve been exposed to the cinematic virus known as Tyler Perry “movies”. The most recent “movie” I saw was the play version of …Family. And, while I’m not going to say I hated it or point out all of the ridiculous moments from the play, I’ll instead just mention a few things that happened as a preview for what to expect in theaters.

1. Chiseled Pause-ness — Since I had never seen a Tyler Perry movie when I saw The Boondocks spoof of his work, I had yet to notice the fact that Tyler Perry casts obscenely bulky dudes in all of his movies with little regard for their acting ability. I saw For Colored Girls and there were two eight-packed naked guys before the freaking credits rolled! In Madea’s Big Happy Family, every cast member had an amazing voice; except for the two beefy guys that just stood there looking buff. There was even a pause for one man to make his boobs jump. And they stayed greasy as hell the whole time. Now, I’m not calling Perry suspect, but he does seem to appreciate the male body.

2. Retarded Rape Babies — You know what’s funny? Retarded kids. One of the running punchlines at the beginning of the play is the 17-year-old sixth grader. Hilarious! He plays with crayons and doesn’t understand the concept of door bells. He, of course, has the voice of a young Lyfe Jennings. Still, him being retarded is side-splitting. Then, because problems in the Black community are everywhere, we find out he’s retarded because the girl he thought was his sister was his mother, and the product of inbred rape. Bet you feel stupid for laughing at ol’ retarded boy now, huh? Oh wait, we don’t feel bad because this little thread in the plot was brushed over for more comedic plot twists.

3. The Most Ridiculous Death Scene Ever — The big, happy family’s mother has cancer. *cue sad horn* She has that cancer that only stars of really bad movies like Last Holiday get where she finds out at the last second that she only has two weeks to live. The Dr. shows up at the family’s house to cancel a date with one of the sisters because her mother is about to die, and what ensues is the most realistic death scene in the history of the world. The mother succumbs and the doctor walks in, calmly says “she’s dead” and goes on about his day. The ensuing song is pretty remarkable – the music is always superb – but the death scene is not exactly that.

4. Madea Will Rant The Post-Traumatic Stress Out Of You — After the mother’s funeral, Madea literally goes on a 30-minute rant about…everything. He/she talks about boys needing to get a job so they don’t sell drugs. He talks about men needing to pull their pants up (pause for irony). He talks about rap music. And, after admitting that he went off-script in his rant, he talks about the most essential work of The Bible: sub-prime mortgages. And, in case you didn’t know, the secret to defeating the home crisis is to “move”. Boom. Recession resolved.

5. Who Needs A Plot? — Follow me here. After Madea’s rant, she instructs each cast member to sing an R&B song. Out of nowhere, we get Mary J. Blige covers. Lenny Williams covers. Luther Vandross covers. The whole nine. It’s literally like Tyler Perry said “f*ck it” at like page 20 of the script and just made up some stuff. At the end of the songs, the son doesn’t want to sell drugs anymore. The abusive relationship is no longer existent. And Jesus is pleased.
If you’re excited about the Madea movie, then you should be. Like the poster suggests, it’s just like The Godfather , but with more rape and R&B covers.

TAGSMadea's Big Happy FamilySMOKE BREAKSpotlightTV/MoviesTyler Perry

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