When word began to spread that Hollywood stylist and reality TV starlet Rachael Zoe might be expecting a baby, men across the country started to stock up on Tylenol™. Thing is, it’s not that we don’t want the pencil-thin shopaholic to procreate, it’s just that we’re not sure if our ailing planet can handle the added abundance of idiocy that would come as a result. Unfortunately, the same can be said for a lot of females making the headlines these days, leading us to wonder; where are all the level-headed ladies at?
While you ponder the unanswerable, here are ten females we hope have protection on deck 24/7.
10. Willow Palin — We’re well aware Sarah Palin’s second youngest daughter isn’t even old enough to be smoking cigarettes, let alone Eskimo pole. However, since sister Bristol pushed one out before graduating high school and is now being cheered on by her family for tearing off guy’s shirts during prime-time TV, we should be crossing our fingers this little Tea Party princess doesn’t take up knocking on wood and turn into another neurotic news story.
9. Kathy Griffin – Considering no one I’ve ever met can even stand the voice of Bravo’s queen of obnoxiousness, I’m surprised Miss Griffin sees the amount of airtime she does. Luckily for all of us, we won’t have to worry about the fire spreading, because this D-Listed ginger says she doesn’t even want kids.
8. Heidi Montag – This Play-Doh face makes bad decisions, surrounds herself with destructive egomaniacs and cries herself out of tough situations. Does that sound like someone who’s fit to raise rugrats to you?
7. Tila Tequila — Apparently, this realiTV temptress will be regurgitating a shot of love a little differently within the coming months. Despite our prayers the news wasn’t true, it seems this always puckered vomit-inducer might actually be having some poor bastard’s baby. It might be a surrogate for someone else. It might even be The Game’s. Either way, everyone involved is hoping she drinks it back into the womb.
6. Snooki – Considering how much of a whore this orange oompa-loompa portrays herself as on The Jersey Shore, I half-way expect a baby to just fly out of her Italian punani every time she does one of those patented dance-floor cartwheels.
5. Kat Stacks – The illustrious Kat Stacks inclusion comes specifically on behalf of her would-be child. Growing up the byproduct of such sleaze would be nearly impossible, especially when your only inheritance consists of STDs and a nameless father. She needs to sew that thing shut, already.
4. Foxy Brown – While it’s bad enough the Ill Na Na can’t arrive at her own gigs and make money preforming the songs that made her famous, it’s the fact Foxy’s deaf that concerns us the most. How will Brooklyn’s Don Diva hear her kid crying when she’s busy popping pain pills and assaulting local service workers?
3. Tyra Banks – Tyra might be bad as hell, but Tyra is also crazy. Can you imagine being her kid, getting bad grades and having that 7-foot-tall banshee screaming at you? Not only that, but her show topics consist of failed marriages and poop, so her motherly-advice isn’t necessarily qualified.
2. Lindsay Lohan – This one’s just a no-brainer. If Lindsay Lowlife had a kid, the media would cause such an uproar, the brain-damaged child would probably be abducted by some poor schmuck who couldn’t take hearing about it anymore. Locked up or tied down, Lindsay would be none the wiser.
1. Oprah Winfrey – Yes. Oprah made the list. It’s not that we don’t like Oprah and how she’s constantly making the world a better place and all. Really, it’s just that we don’t want all that power to be passed on to one person. We want some damn pie, too.
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