Picking a college can be tough. If I’d have seen this commercial for Everest College when I was deciding, then I would not have had any hesitation about picking where I wanted to learn how much alcohol I could consume before blacking out.

You may recall the Everest College commercials from your depressing Wednesday afternoons of watching Maury Povich with a box of Froot Loops and a Shake Weight by your sofa. They always featured an unkempt homie that apparently represented the Maury demographic. They didn’t quite speak to me. But a friend of mine sent me this video and it’s just what the doctor ordered.

I even visited the Everest College website and saw a couple of testimonial quotes on the main page that really spoke to me.

Random Black Guy: “Money wasn’t tight but…it wasn’t right”

I have no clue what that means. But it rhymes. Black people, sign up!

Random Other Female Ethnic: “Now I’m making…really good money”

That seems innocuous enough…if not for the ellipses. That adds so much mystery. What was said during those three important dots?

“Now I’m making [the hood go crazy with this new heroin I'm pushing on each corner that gets you twice as high and is more addictive than the regular dope so the fiends are paying] really good money”

or

“Now I’m making [myself do something strange for a little bit of change over at the Jiggly Butt Gentleman's Club but I don't mind losing my dignity because the old Irish guys like to slip Benjamin's in my hoo-ha so I make] really good money”

I’m so excited because the possibilities are endless. This must be how it feels at Everest College.