The end of the line for taste and musicality has been coming up quickly. Now we have that demise documented in two, very special videos from two, very special individuals who have been able to compartmentalize all people into three, very descriptive categories.
That is; “b*tches,” “aggins” and “f—-ts.”
Anthropological genius at work, folks.
David D. and LC Weber exchanged these videos on a day that became known fondly to them as “The day Soulja Boy sounded like Stevie Wonder” or “The day Rocco seemed like Jules Vern” or “The day ‘oohh leh do eet’ read like Tintern Abbey.”
David’s note to LC re: Arab: A friend of mine said, “if you think Soulja Boy is wack, wait until you see Arab.” Which is kind of like saying “if you think Greg Manson is weird, wait until you meet his cousin, Charles.” Arab is the Memphis Bleek to Soulja Boy’s Jay-Z. Which means that, by rule of weed-carrier thumb, he’s 1/16th as dope as SB. Which means he’s 1/43rd as dope as a shart. Which means I can’t get enough of this video. Arab (pronounced “Ay-Rab” or “Drop-out-of-school” if you bother to learn how to pronounce his name), makes music that is such an enthralling attack on the senses that he gives the eyes a break, just showing a still image for you to feast your eyes on while the lyrical fire pierces your soul.
LC’s note to David re: Lil B: If you’re unfamiliar with his musical prowess, Lil B is a self-professed “pretty bitch.” But it’s important to note he “ain’t no bitch,” however he does “act like a bitch.” And with such good looks and control of the English language, Lil B is reaching a very specific demographic of high school girls who don’t know better and just agree that he is, indeed, a gorgeous, alien-like bitch. But as a close friend put it, “I bet gay men like him too. They probably say, ‘He ain’t talking about ME when he says “f—-t.”‘”
We’re sure these videos got our friends Arab and Lil B a ton of young pussy. However, a wee bit of artistic integrity and heart may have been lost in the process. While we all appreciate a solid effort to make wine from water in the age of digital technology, LC and David decided to pit these two hasty videos against each other for a little friendly competition. LC will be defending the endeavors of Arab, and David will defend that of Lil B.
Our impartial third party, Mundy (resurrected from the dead to bless us with his foresight,) will judge them on seven categories and choose a winner/loser.
Ready. Set. FIGHT!
Arab: “You hard n—a? F—-t on the low/ My money. My time.” I’m no lyricist, but I am a writer. And one thing I know for sure is when you write something down, you never put two ideas near each other that you don’t want inextricably linked. Now, that said, I have no idea who the “f—-t on the low” is from whence he refers, but I do know it’s Arab’s money and Arab’s time. And if it’s his money and his time… I guess he can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. Anything is possible behind closed doors.
Lil B: “I used to be a goon/ but now I’m a pretty b*tch/ I’m comin down the slab/ with a hunnid on my dick” Is he fly? No. He’s a pretty bitch. That’s a whole other level of dope that you can’t fathom. And who shares his sexiness? It damn sure isn’t a woman. It’s a hundred dollar bill carefully wrapped around his penis as he comes down the slab. So it’s like Benjamin Franklin sucking a pretty bitch’s dick.
Advantage: Arab The sheer breadth of Arab’s nonsense is astounding, and the cognitive dissonance and sexual confusion he leaves in his words’ wake is just plain incredible. That said, that was the second time Lil B referred to himself as a ‘pretty bitch.’
Arab: So far as I can see, the concept of this video is “On top of a parking garage.” The end.
Lil B: Just a guy hanging out in his apartment. In his gym shorts. Fighting a cold with his glass of OJ and cough syrup. The cold explains why he sounds like Keith Sweat.
Advantage: Lil B I cannot fathom the sequence of events that led to this video being shot – he’s literally just hanging out in a shitty apartment, on a bicycle, taking his shirt off once in a while, drinking what seems to be a hastily poured screwdriver, and spitting some of the most misogynistic, virulently homophobic, sexually confused, and nonsensical lyrics I have ever heard. It’s like watching the end of the world, but instead of cool aliens blowing everything up you have Lil B throwing grenades of bottomless stupidity at everyone.
MOST AWKWARD MOMENT
Arab: A full 16 seconds of a creep-stare still (1:04 – 1:20). Some teenagers don’t even last in the sack for 16 seconds. He utilizes the freeze-frame many times throughout this video, but the linger on this particular picture will leave you feeling more uncomfortable than that time you accidentally blew your load in 15 seconds.
Lil B: Leaned up like a pimp in his crib. Then we scroll down…he’s on a bike! He’s rocking back and forth on a bike. In. His. Apartment. And his bike has rims! Look at his riiiiims © Chris Rock. And right by the bike, you see his shoes. They’re 3½ sizes too small and look like Lil B dropkicked the doo-doo monster from Dogma. (1:45-1:54)
Advantage: Arab He really ups the ante by carpet-bombing the viewer with a 16-second shot (!!!) of him looking like some hideous cross between a Chihuahua, DJ Qualls, and what appears to be a bruise-themed picnic blanket.
Arab: They’re wearing…
Lil B: …the same thing.
Advantage: Arab Both look like vomit-inducing optical illusions. But you really got to hand it to Arab for trying to swag his shit out, you know? I get the sense that Lil B knows the shirt he’s wearing can’t carry an entire music video — hence the shades — but you never get that feeling from Arab. He seems so blissfully ignorant, and it’s this type of haunting, horrifying innocence that tips the scales in his favor. He’s like Lenny in ‘Of Mice and Men’, if Lenny made me want to march out of my apartment and immediately throw myself headlong into a bus.
BEST ART DIRECTION
Lil B: I’m in an apartment I’m outside I’m in an apartment I’m outside I’m in an apartment whoa shit look at my shades!
Advantage: Lil B While I appreciate Arab’s hubris, I’ve got to give Lil B the nod for the shades. They’re so dumb. It’s like stapling ignorance to your nose.
BEST FLIP CAM CINEMATOGRAPHY
Arab: When I think “rap video” I think “shaky footage of a Bank of America sign, and then filming whilst riding my bike down a freeway.” Luckily, Arab agrees.
Lil B: This flipcam clearly doesn’t have a zoom feature. Instead the director simply walks towards Lil’ Bontavious and slowly walks backwards. Then twists the camera for dramatic effect.
Advantage: Arab I like the juxtaposition in Arab’s video. There’s hints of some type of epic video at the beginning – nods to the economic crisis here, fast-rolling credits there, skyline here, etc., etc. – but then it’s just Arab in a parking lot, half mooning you as his song, career, and dignity stumble off into the sunset.
BEST PUSH FOR SOULJA BOY’S FAVORITISM
Arab: In the world of full-on neck tattoos and eyebrow lines, no one is representing the S.O.D. Money Gang better.
Lil B: Is nobody else bothered that they both likened themselves to “f—-ts?”
Advantage: Arab I guess. It’s just so embarrassing. I can barely think about this stuff anymore.
WINNER: ARAB — Arab wins a court-ordered vasectomy.
LOSER: LIL B, and all of us — Lil B takes home a new bicycle, a dental plan, and some stationery to write an apology to his mom and my ears.