You know why people hate Simon Cowell? No, not because he talks like a pretentious Mr. Belvedere, but because he does shit like this.

The “American Idol” judge and music exec recently coordinated an all-star single to benefit Haitian earthquake victims. Now he’s ready to take on his next challenge: ensuring that his production of R.E.M.’s “Everybody Hurts,” featuring Susan Boyle, Mariah Carey, Miley Cyrus and many others, outsells Quincy Jones’ new star-studded rendition of “We Are the World.”

Re-he-he-eally? © Ace Ventura

If this tight-tee-wearing, double-chinned old-lady-puncher thinks he’s in the right by publicly admitting his initiative to stomp out Quincy’s “We Are The World” remake in order to turn out a better profit – instead of them working side-by-side towards the cause – then he shouldn’t have made one at all. Having competitive drive is fine, but sometimes you’ve got to hit the breaks. Just because you’re Usain Bolt, doesn’t mean you’ve got to blow past the kid with Down Syndrome at the Special Olympics. Just because you can rep 350 lbs, doesn’t mean you have to break your little brothers arm when he playfully asks you to arm-wrestle. Just because…ah, you get it.

Taking lead from good ol’ Mel Gibs, Simon’s an ass.

To conclude, I was going to say that I hope “We Are The World” destroys Cowell’s Miley-Cyrus-infested REM-remake, but that’s not true. That’s not the point. In all actuality, I hope they both sell outrageously and combine to help Haiti get back on it’s feet.

What I do hope for, however, is that an isolated earthquake completely decimates the American Idol judge’s Los Angeles mansion. And when he sees the lone person coming to help from the distance, it’s an extremely hard-working Haitian fellow who walks up and simply says, “My earthquake was bigger,” and then struts away casually as Simon stumbles, falling through the cracks towards Hell.

Simon Hopes His Song Beats ‘We Are the World’ [MSNBC]