When Manchester United loses/drops points, I experience a draining feeling which sours the rest of my day (sucks that the games are in the morning here) — a feeling no doubt shared by any sports fan with an unhealthy attachment to a club/team. It’s one thing when an actual match does that to you. It’s another when it’s caused by unrelated boardroom BS, such as the news that Manchester’s ungodly amount of debt—incurred when the US-based Glazer family borrowed hundreds of millions to purchase the team in ’03 — will hopefully be serviced by two thousand and seventeen. And how? Bonds.

Bloodclaat bonds.

Foolproof plan, eh? Roundabout 800 million dollars is the goal. I’m no finance expert but looking for nearly a billion dollars in investment via these means is the white-collar equivalent of sticking out that Weezy cup for some loose change on the corner of Linden and Springfield, knowing damn well that every penny from them Mickey D’s patrons counts.

Suddenly, the 80 million pounds received from the sale of Ronaldo doesn’t quite seem enough. Surely, they could’ve got an even century, right? Or perhaps when Wayne Rooney leaves for Barcelona (We still got Mikey!), they can hit that number on account of him being an English and all—balding head and scouser accent to boot!

This must be the apocalypse, innit? First, the loss to down-and-out Leeds. Soon, Manchester will be god-forsaken Leeds.

*Opens cutlery drawer*

I just may be getting ahead of myself a wee bit much, and this could be a financial masterstroke given the club’s profitability… dependent upon selling talent for 80 million pounds every year (White Pele next to go?). But stranger things have happened (see: Leeds, goddamit). Perhaps, in some strange twist of fate, my broke ass might be able to snap up some of those bonds. I shall save thee, beloved United!

First thing’s first, though—a match ticket, as I’ve yet to catch a game live.

Whoops, can’t even afford that.

Manchester United’s Debt: Six Key Questions [Telegraph UK]