We already established that one of the qualifying requirements to get hired by any law enforcement agency is to be irrationally infatuated with Contra™ and his brand new (read:”used”) Contramobile™. So in accordance with standard training, I was yet again pulled over, this time in Phenix City, Alabama (about two feet away from the Georgia state line.)
This time though, I couldn’t slick talk my way out of it. I lost my bloody voice last week to some random damnation most believe to be Karma. After spending all day telling dudes to fut the shuck up, I now can’t do anything but that. I can still type though, so I gmail, text and Tweet. I can also insult people with fingers, hand gestures and by mouthing the word “Vacuum”. I don’t generally pick phone calls, or return them, so as long as my ears work I’m good.
No voice is really no problem 99% of the time if you’re a professional a-hole. But that 1% of the time includes scenarios where an officer pulls you over and asks “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
I stared back at him for a while and tried to speak, all the while hoping his parents weren’t of the same lineage and that he would understand my handicap. Apparently, he had still not recovered from Down’s Syndrome and his other childhood mental impediments, so he couldn’t quite figure out that I couldn’t talk. He instead insisted that I speak up with no result. Eventually, he urged me to get out of the car. He proceeded to try and get me to speak louder one more time and I proceeded to play Pictionary with his retarded ass.
After asking me if I could speak English and receiving this face, he took my documents and walked off. He returned to me and told me I was good to go and that I needed to get tags.
I nodded and, when he turned around, I enunciated “Vacuum” while hopping back in my ride.
That’s it. No witty conclusion here. Just a random story.
Previously Posted — “Flashing Lights”
Big_Kuntry-Yeah_(Remix)_(Feat._T.I._and_Yung_Joc)-Promo_CDS-2007
Boyz_N_Da_Hood-Everybody_Know_Me_BW_Bite_Down-(Promo_VLS)-2007
Das_EFX-Mic_Checka-Remix_VLS-1992
Das_Efx-Set_it_Off_BW_No_Doubt-VLS-1998
Das_Efx-They_Want_Efx-VLS-1992
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![[image]](http://cdn.tss.uproxx.com/TSS/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2011/10/swat-costumes-150x100.jpg)
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That’s a terrible feeling and for the record K-9′s are smart as shit. They aint normal dogs… if you got a roach in your boot they will find.
Damn…do you have a donut smell coming from your car or something?
LMAO @ Doug Fresh
It’s the smell of TSS I’m telling ya’ll. Although since I spoke my piece I’ve been good to go. So hopefully, it’ll happen for you too Contra.
& if you need a stand-in a-hole just call me and put me on speaker
LOL @ doug
Get some tags yo. Otherwise we gone go ahead & start taking up collection to set aside your bail money.
It’s official, Contra…
You are the Pacman Jones of driving. Whether people are hatin’ on you, out to get you, or trouble just finds you, you need to cut your losses and hire a driver—preferably a white driver. A white male driver might do better for you. Make that a white, off duty police offer male driver.
And wear a suit—shirt and tie when you’re in the car, too. You know… try to look “presentable”.
Scratch that, Contra. Trade the driver’s license for a pair of New Balance 440s and a compass. You need to stay as far away from vehicles as possible.
But still, throw on the suit… sweater vest and a little Sammy Davis hat.
And smile. shoe lots of pearly white teefs.
Worst comes to worse, consider tap shoes in lieu of the NBs.
http://www.zshare.net/audio/54093982b5adc502/
Busta – Hustler’s Anthem ft. T-Pain Prod. by Ty Fyffe CDQNoDJ
I remember when I was in school, flying back & forth from Ohio to NY in a rented Ford Focus, 4 black teens, dressed in suits, a couple pounds of green in the trunk, not a valid licensce in sight. Never got stopped once.
Ah, the good ol’ days when common sense was just a phrase Grandma used lol.
Anybody holdin’ a copy of La the Darkman “Trials & Tribulations” mixtape??? I can’t find it anywhere, seems to have disappeared off the Net!!! Thanks in advance jo’.
Contra:
Is the new whip something flashy and flossin’ son?? Them pig coppers have it out for you yo. I’ma co-sign with Gotty and recommend you getting them tags ASAP; at no shame in pushing that MARTA system until then
seriously tho’ you need to throw a ‘thin blue line’ or georgia state trooper sticker on the back of your ride. make them think youre one of them.
and while on the discussion of the po-po and such, i got this email in my box today from the neighborhood crime watch association:
Yesterday afternoon around 2pm one of the townhomes on Hurston got broken into. There were 2 19-20 year old african american men who kicked in her back door and walked around her home. They exited out the front door and went straight to their car which they parked right out front. Pretty gutsy. Apparently they stole only her shotgun and ammunition. They touched nothing else.. tv, computer, cell phone, ipod. The police said that people are looking for weapons. We don’t know if they plan to return now that they know she is weaponless (complete speculation on my minds part!).
@ Amp
businessman gets aquitted /just to commit more crime.
appearance is everything with cops…
^ Exactly. We had cooked up the story that we were all honest college kids trying to get back to school, but if we had gotten stopped it woulda ben a wrap.
Even in my hood, I dress/act as unassuming as possible. As far as the cops can tell, I’ma lame & I’m cool with that. Keeps me outta Central Bookings for BS.
^ Me and my boys (The Involuntary Vegetarians) used to roll up in Krogers back in the college daze 4 deep… 2 dressed like “stereotypes” (decoys), picking up expensive ass ish, and acting suspiciously, and the other 2 as “Carlton” types, robbing them blind…
Used to make a killing stealing food.
Image is a motherf*#ker…
^ LMAO!
I had a side huslte slangin steak n eggs sandwiches from a hot plate in the dorm after parties…no overhead, I lifted everything from Krogers lol.
What ever happened to Gordon Gartrell Radio?
Capo ft. Ryan Leslie – Precious
http://www.zshare.net/download/54095854974b6b98/
little something for the blue collar TSSers…
Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band – Greatest Hits
Artist…..: Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band
Title……: Greatest Hits
Label……: Sony
01 – Rosalita (Come Out Tonight) 07:02
02 – Born To Run 04:31
03 – Thunder Road 04:51
04 – Darkness On The Edge Of Town 04:30
05 – Badlands 04:03
06 – Hungry Heart 03:20
07 – Glory Days 04:18
08 – Dancing In The Dark 04:04
09 – Born In The U.S.A. 04:41
10 – The Rising 04:47
11 – Lonesome Day 04:07
12 – Radio Nowhere 03:20
Glory Days is the shit lol.
I grew to dig Springsteen’s music from hanging out at this dive bar on the Lower East Side with some of my white co-workers. Bruce would come on & the whole spot starts drunkenly singing along lol. The song he did for “The Wrestler” is one of his best in years.
amp,
i think Bruce is like the 80s John Mayer or something—brothas liked him on the low, but didn’t wanna admit it too tough because white folk was treatin’ him like God. “C’mon, how can you not like The Boss, bro!”
Other than a couple corny pop joints, he had a way with words.
Still trips me out that Silvio (Sopranos) was in The E Street Band…
Come to think of it, BS was pretty much an emcee…
Crazy life in the hood lyrics: Check.
Crazy Alias: Check. (“The Boss” of what?)
Authentic Street gear: Check. (Jeans, white tees flannel shirts. Period.)
Street Cred: Check. ($50 million in the bank but still fronts like he eatin’ pork ‘n’ beans and workin’ 3rd shift at the mill.)
Wild-ass Hype-man: Check. (Clarence Carter be strokin’!)
OED:
L’ il Stevie Van Zandt milked that E Street -ish hard… With his bootleg Steven Tyler lookin’ self.
Clarence Carter be strokin’!
=====================
LOL
Yayo to Bruce’s 50
Once, after getting fired from one job and before getting hired at another one, I had to work for like six weeks at a Dunkin Donuts. My first time working the drive-thru a cop got a donut and coffee; no problem. But then my manager pulled me aside and told me never to charge the cops when they come there. There was even some kind of “cop discount” button at the cash register. I am not making this up.
Amp and BC are right, appearance means everything to cops. That’s the reason after a few beers when I hop in the car I throw my fitted in the back, and tell any passengers to snag that shit off too. Fitted hats are a fuckin red flag to police officers, especially in this college town I’m livin in.
Or 50 to Bruce’s Em…
but then Clarence didn’t have colossal hits like that. lemme think that one thru…
U crazy for comparing Springsteen to Mayer.
Y’all be glad to know that my beef with cops goes beyond this car. They been messing with me for so long that I dont even get surprised anymore.
They once stopped my car randomly looking for “Contraband”; an anonymous tipster they said. I had left my sisters to go across the street and back, a 5 minute errand.
After a random argument about whehter or not they could search my car, I snapped. I’m a calm dude, and pretty funny on most days, but I wasnt playing that shit. I was on my Dead Prez RBG shit, had on a t-shirt that said “Don’t Panic I’m Islamic” and a hyperactive middle finger.
At some point I decided I needed to smoke after they told me not to, and I said “I’m not under arrest, fuck you.”
They corrected that.
I got out a couple hours later and was baptized “Contraband” when I finally made it back to my sisters.
Contra for short.
Anybody holdin’ a copy of La the Darkman “Trials & Tribulations” mixtape??? I can’t find it anywhere, seems to have disappeared off the Net!!! Thanks in advance jo’.
________________________________________________________
There is a GOD.
What Contra keeps leaving out of his story is that his license plate read
FUPigs
lol
The Boss gets bizzy
Damn… I’ve been in Phenix City a few times. ‘Bama troopers don’t play! I got stopped by a couple dudes in the Gump, just about to spark a blunt with my roommate. He tossed the shit and they came up on us guns drawn and pulled us out and cuffed us. They couldn’t find shit on us (obviously) and couldn’t find the blunt cuz it was in the weeds, but lil’ rookie did an illegal search of my car and found a roach. That gave ‘em PC to search the whole car and they found a little hatchet my paranoid roommate had hidden under the passenger seat. Lt. asked “What the hell is this for?” And I told him, “Officer, I just recently moved here from Maine, so…” That was explanation enough for him! LMFAO! All told, nothing went down and we got let off with a warning, but we are melanin-impaired, so I doubt the outcome would have been the same if we weren’t.
@ Biggga
Contra’s license plate:
86POPO
Flea – i got u.
Has anybody seen this yet?
AIR JORDAN 2009 film teaser:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MlKxoBdg8tk&feature=channel_page
watch it in HD!
I remember when I was in school, flying back & forth from Ohio to NY in a rented Ford Focus, 4 black teens, dressed in suits, a couple pounds of green in the trunk, not a valid licensce in sight. Never got stopped once.
Ah, the good ol’ days when common sense was just a phrase Grandma used lol.
——————————————————————————————————
My homie sad he used to make the same run in an Army uniform. Undefeated.
TSF. You are right.. if you had the barest of melanin the outcome would probably fared quite different.
Contra – Here are a few things I do to avoid the “random” stops
1. Ball caps and hoods are a def no-no. the exception is if you have a afro (Such as myself) or dreds.
2. Make sure your shit is up to date. Ecspecially if you are going through Bama in the daytime. weirdly you if that was at night and you were doing the speed limit you would have been fine.
3. Learn that cruise control is your friend.
4. Don’t look in the mirrors constantly when they get behind you. Nothing you can do about it at that point any way
Lmaoooo
Also, try really hard not to be a minority. The single white female look provides the best camouflage.
If i had the barest of Melanin?
Y’all muhfuckas forget I’m black right?
No ballcap, no hoodie on, button down and a sweater actually. No dreads or braids, and I wasnt speeding. lol..
Damn, son! Again?
Damn, cuz, you need to ride around with your papers on your windows, and your Identification hanging down from the rear-view mirror like the cabbies do…
ps.
And get your damn license plate cover, covered…..
@ Contra: that melanin line was directed at me, a cracka-ass cracker, and Belve10 is totally right, if I wasn’t white that stop in the Gump woulda landed my ass in the pokey until the arraignment. But is the South any more or less fucked up and racist than the rest of the country? My friends in high school got stopped walking through Cambridge, MA because they were three black dudes walking together at night and as the cop told them “more than two is considered a gang.” Boston is just as racist as ‘Bama, maybe even more so.