Excuse me while I rant?

I believe in coincidences. Statistical pockets of improbabilities that can still occur due to the randomness of the world we live in. However, this is not a coincidence.

On Saturday and Sunday I got pulled over by police a total of 6 times by police in the Atlanta metro area. Two times, it was by a team of police officers. I’m talking 2-5 cars cornering me in a parking lot; one time it was some burly dude that traumatized the kid in the backseat.

Granted. New car, temporary tags, by all means, feel free to check it out once or twice. But 6 times? 6 unnecessarily long times at that. During two of these incidents, I was with my brother(from another madre), and we were just leaving a club. The amount of profiling/attention we garnered was not merely because we did not have a tag. You don’t need 5 of ATLPD’s finest to run paperwork. You don’t need to randomly creep up on the passenger side window and start sniffing like we’re retarded enough to be smoking weed in the car. Then proceed to have the audacity to ask us why the car is foggy, when it’s clear as day in that bitch. Neither of us do that shit anyway; we have jobs and significant others to tend to. Clearly we also had bad luck.

Last night was the last straw.

I was tired, irritated, suffering from a throbbing headache and driving south past the airport. As soon as I hung up the phone from speaking with the lady, the lights behind me began flashing. A gentleman in painfully tight pants and sunglasses (at 2 a.m., mind you) walks out the car. I cursed him at length in my mind and prayed the sword of Damocles would descend from the heavens and part his head in two. I also prayed that Thor’s hammer would follow and ensure the sword carves him down the middle. Neither of my prayers were answered and he made it up to my window.

Five O: Sir, could you turn down that racket?
Contra™: You mean the music or the engine?
Five O: The music.
[Contra™ turns it off]
Five O: The reason I stopped you was because….
Contra™:…yeah, I know, no tag. Blah blah. Here are the papers.
[Five O chokes on saliva before getting angry]
Five O: Sir, could you step out the car?
[In my mind: "Oh word?"]
Contra™: Ehm. Ok. Why?
Five O: You are exhibiting inebriated behavior. Please step out of the car.
Contra™: [while stepping out]: Actually I’m exhibiting irritated behavior. This is the 6th time I’m being pulled over in less than 3 days. Doesn’t that seem a little….
Five O: Sir, I’m going to ask you to observe silence and follow my instructions.
Contra™: Word.
Five O: Excuse me?
Contra™: I mean, yes.
[Proceeds to do all the random sobriety tests. Still not looked at my paperwork.]
Five O: Thank you sir, please get back in your car.
Contra™: Ok.
[Five O walks back to his car and realizes he still hasn't taken my papers. He gets out and stands, stares at my car. Gets back in his, and drives off.]

Yeah. Just like that. No “Ok, you’re good to go, sorry about that.” None of that. Dude didn’t even check if I was a licensed driver. He didn’t even check the papers on the car. Tax payers must be paying with some really shitty currency cause they are getting a half ass job done.

Regardless, this here is my official raised middle finger to all police officers that participated in making my weekend hellish. Seriously. Damn you all to Hades.

And now back to your regular scheduled programming.

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