Does One Really Have To Have A Valid Reason To Post A Photo Of Lauren London?

I used to believe that any woman who could spit a verse from any song is wifey material. There’s something innately sexy about a female that would blackout when her favorite song came on while she recites every word right alongside me. That’s why ladies like LC, P and H.E.R. could walk up to me, recite “Halftime” and I’m proposing.

As I’ve mentioned in earlier posts, I’ve been doing a fair share of traveling and my “Girl rapping = sexy” law was put to the test.

A couple of months ago, I was in Boston with a slew of New England ladies (including an AKA from Harvard which must be like seeing the Tooth Fairy riding a Unicorn on the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow…but I digress) at some college day event. The mood was real chill and the DJ played some Hip-Hop. “All About The Benjamins” came on and the whole room started rapping along. All the women started spitting the bars word for word — Lox verses, Kim’s verse, of course, and the Biggie verse.

That shit was better than being at a strip club. Watching the laid back delivery, accurate recital, and sheer appreciation for the bars.

*Jizz…in…my…pants*

Now, let’s look at the other side of the spectrum. I was at a club in Salisbury, North Carolina and was eyeing this tall Lite-Brite in a lil dress and some red pumps. Then Gucci Mane started blaring through the speakers. And this broad rapped every single word.

Then Pastor Troy’s loud raspy yelps started playing. She rapped that shit, screaming till a lil blue vein started popping out the side of her neck. Soulja Boy- how fucking old is this chick? Shawty Lo. Plies. Suddenly it was like the end of Shallow Hal where he realizes that Gwyneth Paltrow turns into some 800 pound chick before his eyes.

Women, please. I’d rather watch you shop for tampons than see you repeat some ig’nant ass, slurred gibberish at the top of your lungs while displaying a “who farted?” grit on your once respectable mug. And another thing, if the song requires you to ball your hand into a fist and smack it against your other palm to the beat, you should probably sit that song out. Take a powder. Get a drink or something. That shit ain’t sexy. Just letting you know. And if a dude thinks it is, chances are he thinks marital fistfights are endearing and he prolly uses “Wet-Wet” as a pet name.

If you wanna get David D.’s attention, ladies (I know you’re out there…*licks pointer and pinky fingers and rubs them against eyebrows*), listen to Illmatic. Learn the fuck outta some Three Stacks. And put some Common in heavy rotation.

You may wanna be well-versed in some Trina too- not to recite, but to take a few pointers-but that’s another issue.

Stray Shots

Mary_J_Blige-Mary

Yukmouth-Thugged_Out_Albulation (2 Discs)

L.T.D-Love_Magic__1981

Ne-Yo-Year_Of_The_Gentleman (With JP Bonus Tracks)

P.A.__Parental_Advisory_-Straight_No_Chaser

Pete_Rock-Soul_Survivor

Tina_Turner-Tina-(Advance)

Stacy_Lattisaw-Im_Not_The_Same_Girl

VA-DJ_Clue-New_York_Giant-2004

VA-DJ_Clue-Queens_Day_Pt._1-1998

Little Brother – Whatever You Say 12″

Street Media – Street Media

Charli Baltimore – Cold As Ice

Girl Talk – Unstoppable

Stray Shots