Words by Matthew Mundy

In an exercise of self-flagellation, I decided to watch the entire MTV Video Music Awards last night. It was a thoroughly injudicious decision, the result of a mind driven idiotically reckless by unemployment, a heat wave and being forced to wait too long for Killer Mike’s Sunday Morning Massacre. On the bright side, I learned a lot about myself, pop culture, and spiritual, physical and mental ennui. On the dark side, I had to watch the Jonas Brothers. In the spirit of the election season, I’ll let you decide whether the forces of good or evil won in the end.

The following are 15 things that I learned during the MTV VMAs.

1. Don’t write three-hour, mind-numbingly boring, spirit-sucking, spontaneous vasectomy-causing checks your ass can’t cash.

2. Britney Spears is relevant again to someone other than her divorce lawyer and weave maker. In all honesty though, she does look a helluva lot better than she did last year.

3. For every night with a big winner, there has to be a big loser. Those, of course, would be the loyal TSSers who subjected themselves to this unyielding, bone-stripping sadism along with me. Brothers in misery and degradation, I s’pose. Like the Wayans brothers.

4. The other big winner? Lil’ Wayne.

Dude – who was, from all appearances, sober – absolutely ripped through both performances. First, he mashes up “Misunderstood,” “A Milli” and “Got Money.” In white jeans. And absolutely disembowels all three. Then he does a duet with Kid Rock, and steals the show again. Before this show, Lil’ Wayne was a genuine Hip-Hop superstar, with 1.05 million records sold in Tha Carter III’s first week on shelves. Now, he’s a genuine music superstar. Whether you like Weezy or not, this was a good moment for Hip-Hop. Kudos, good sir.

5. The ‘Depends On How You Look At It’ performer? Kanye West.

On the one hand, the first version of any song you hear live probably isn’t going to do it justice. And the drums in the song were pretty bananas. And Kanye has three near-classic albums under his belt, so I should give the guy the benefit of the doubt. On the other hand, the first version of any song by a hip-hop artist, live or not, should probably have rapping on it. You know, because it’s what they fucking do.

Also, rapping may have been to his advantage because Kanye West is not what you would call a “traditionally gifted” singer. Or even untraditionally “gifted,” a la Lil’ Wayne. He literally can’t sing. I’ll wait to submit my final judgment until the actual song comes out, at which point I’ll probably regret writing this, because Kanye is always right. For now, though – wasn’t really feeling it.

6. T-Pain and his circus get up are creepy as hell. Super creepy. Like creepy to the point that Chris Hansen is probably actively hunting him down.

7. I haven’t heard of most of these rock bands and they all suck. Jonas Brothers, Tokio Hotel, Paramore? Ugh. The combined effect is like listening to your own death rattle.

8. Michael Phelps, for all his prowess in the water, is about as fun to watch speak as it is to watch a towel dry. That said, he has pretty great taste in Hip-Hop – Jay-Z, Young Jeezy, Lil’ Wayne? I’m pretty sure if I listened to “Public Service Announcement,” “Put On” and “A Milli” in a row, I’d be able to break some swimming records too.

9. T.I. really, really, really should have performed “No Matter What” instead of “Whatever You Like.” ‘Whatever You Like’ is just one of those depressingly obvious crossover songs that either a) end up working and a rapper makes money but loses some of his or her credibility, or b) doesn’t work and both the record label and everybody on earth hates him or her. If T.I. songs were Eddie Murphy movies, “No Matter What” would be Eddie Murphy Raw. “Whatever You Like” would be Daddy Day Care. And “My Life Your Entertainment” is a car ride with a transvestite prostitute.

10. Russell Brand is kind of funny. On the positive side of the ledger, he went IN on the Jonas Brothers. Not literally, of course, because MTV wouldn’t have shown that. Probably.

But making fun of the most popular young men in America for being virgins – after you make fun of Republicans – well, my friends © John McCain, things don’t get much better than that. He made fun of them for a lot of the night, in fact, and they looked none-too-pleased. Meanwhile, on the Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac side of the ledger, half the time he was huffing and puffing too much for most of his jokes to hit. And a lot were just plain unfunny.

11. In good news, however, T-minus eight months until Kanye is rocking Brand’s haircut.

12. Though one would have thought eight years of Bush, five Benzino albums and zero Saigon albums would have already taught me there’s no justice in the world, the VMAs sealed the deal. Case in point: while I, due to my absurd and ill-advised promise to Gotty™, was forced to sit through the excruciating entirety of Pink’s performance, Lupe got cut off after only one verse of “Superstar.” Really?

13. The best part of my night? When Killer Mike’s “Sunday Morning Massacre” did finally come in. I mean honestly – Killer Mike has made Sunday the best day of the week, by a long shot. And the MTV VMAs made Sept. 7 the worst night of my life.

14. And – finally – I’d like to break this evening into mathematical form for you, which should hopefully quantify and contextualize my misery.

Lil’ Wayne > Russell Brand’s Levi Johnston joke > T.I. > SARS > Rihanna > Paramore > Joe Lieberman > Russell Brand’s R. Kelly joke > V.I.C. > Jonas Brothers > Pink / Delaware > Lil’ Wayne’s white jeans > Tokio Hotel’s victory speech > Paris Hilton’s SAT scores > Katy Perry > Paris Hilton’s STD test scores > My Sunday night.

15. > The Patriots season. Ayo!

Previously Posted — Video: Kanye West – “Love Lockdown” Live At The VMA’s | Live Blogging: The VMA Edition With TSS | Kanye Forgives MTV; Will Close Out The VMA’s