Tightpants. One word.

Oh, I own plenty of tight pants. I’m a female with an extensive stiletto collection and, of course, I own tight pants. And I don’t mind fitted pants on men. But man, I just cannot vibe with tightpants. Not on myself, not on anyone.

“You know what that means don’t you?” my friend Wes asked the other night as we stood outside the movie theater, nay-saying all the high schoolers in tightpants, plaid button-ups and Chuck Taylors.

“Nah, what?” I replied, giving the stink eye to some kid with a dookie roll and a loud fitted with the brim turned up.

“You will never be cool again.”

And I knew he was right. I have officially entered a time in life where I don’t understand what the kids are wearing, or why they’re wearing it. I am my parents.

I. Cannot. Vibe.

Nine out of ten kids are wearing tightpants in Los Angeles, males and females alike. They can’t possibly have thought about how they’ll feel about this a few years from now. The human leg is not an attractive thing on flat feet, I don’t care who you are. No one wants to see folks’ ankles like that.

And not only can I not sign off on tightpants for myself, I also can’t imagine being attracted to a man wearing them. Real talk, I would be so far turned off working that hard to get to the business. I don’t want to tell a man to point his toe so I can get his pants off, and I don’t want to see him stumble over some bunched-up jeans at his feet. But I understand that I’m probably not the kind of girl some tightpants-wearing dudes would be attracted to either, so I suppose neither of us have to worry. We’ll just keep to our separate corners.

But if such a sizable portion of kids are wearing tightpants, and that’s what’s “cool,” I think artists pandering to kids to buy their music should start wearing tightpants too. I want to see Soulja Boy in some tightpants now. Anyone making that ringtone money? Tightpants. Let’s use this fad as a way to keep the kids with the kids, listening to music just as faddy as their pants, and the big boys with the big boys, listening to grown people music.

I’m all about personal expression. Do You!

But for me, fuck a tightpant. I’m grown.

Stray Shots

Foxy_Brown-Ill_Na_Na-1996

Foxy_Brown-Chyna_Doll-1999

The_Firm-The_Album-Retail-1997

Chaundon – Bronx Boro President – 2006

Ciara – Goodies

Ciara – Evolution

I-20-Down_South-(CDS)

Phonte (of Little Brother) – The Phon-Tigga – 2008 (Bootleg)

Cosmic Kev & Gillie Da Kid Validation 2006

Big Mike – Grand Theft Audio 2008

Juelz Santana-The Project Mixtape

Tyga – No Introduction: The Series

VA-DJ_P-Cutta-Street_Wars_21_(Rap_Beef_Nigga)-Bootleg-2008-

Da_Band-Too_Hot_For_TV

Group_Home-Where_Back-2008

L.E.O. – Spiritual Intelligence (Prod. By Large Professor)

Stray Shots