“Speedin’” & 21 Points For Visual Reference
GENERAL By TSSCrew on April 1, 2008 at 2:53 pmWords by Matthew Mundy
Sometimes, some object will arrive in the world that is so useful, so superlative, that it literally comes to define its era, influencing and shaping everything that goes on around it.
Think — the printing press, or the Internet, or liquor.
At the same time though, occasionally something can come along that is so utterly devoid of good, so bereft of genius that it comes to act as the polar opposite of good, a magnet of evil, a signpost for where that culture went wrong.
In hip-hop today, my friends, that thing is music videos with DJ Khaled in them.
Now I know I’ve been down this path before, with my measured discussion of the ‘I’m So Hood (Remix)’ video. It was a path soaked in blood and tears, the type of human viscera that only repeated watching of the most mediocre video in the history of time can drag out of me. And yes, I also know that the video for “Speedin’” has been out for a while, and from all signs appears to boast a budget roughly 35,000 times that of the “I’m So Hood” video. But, tradition and a sense of obligation to this culture that I love so much, demands of me that I visit this video and once again trumpet the most astounding parts of it. And, like “I’m So Hood,” it should be noted that I genuinely like this song, as much as it pains me to admit it. Without further ado, then, I bring you my review of “Speedin’,” and remember – I do this so you don’t have to and never forget that.
1. The cinematography
From the get-go, we know we’re in for a treat. No need for quick jump-cuts here – Khaled and his ilk have clearly upgraded here and it’s a nice start. My first impression is that this video could, just maybe, jump off from the thematic content of the song in the form of a polemic against the police and racial profiling. I’m impressed, thus far.
2. The stop
Not more than 13 seconds in, and already this video has jumped the proverbial shark. A lethargic-looking Rick Ross, with smoke cascading out of his nostrils, looks to be in some sort of diabetic coma. Perhaps, I think, he was driving all over the road, his blood-sugar levels having deleteriously affected his driving skills. But no – he is being pulled over, of course, because he was speeding.
3. The girl massaging Rick Ross
I’m so, so sorry. I can’t imagine what cruel twists of fate lead to this, and I don’t care to. It would be too painful. I bet he sweats…a lot.
4. DJ Khaled
Ah, yes!!! Acting alchemy at its best. Khaled flexes his thespian muscles, delivering – with a panache worthy of only a man so mediocre as he – what has got to go down as one of the best lines, ever. “Man, you must be new or something,” he says, unsticking his heft from the leather seat. “Man, we the best, man.” Man, we the best, man – and he says it without resorting to his Pacino impression/jackal screech! Absolutely incredible.
5. The girl massaging DJ Khaled
I don’t even know what to say about this. My mouth goes dry and my muscles seize up at just the thought of this. Ugh. If karma exists, I would hazard a guess she was Adolph Hitler in a previous life.
6. The dash to end all dashes
Seeing Rick Ross break out into a run is a little like seeing the sun explode. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime event, one that could spell doom for everything you love and hold dear, and yet you’re held in place, rigid as stone, marveling at the extraordinary spectacle unfolding before your eyes. Seeing him plant his left foot and break into a full-out, unwieldy, heavy-gutted sprint for the side of the bridge is, simply put, one of the best things I have ever seen. If Rick Ross were an automobile, judging from his acceleration, he would be a retarded sloth strapped to square wheels, soaked in molasses.
7. The decision to jump into the water
Now, this is where the video really takes off, I think. I would have loved to sit on the brainstorm that came up with this – Rick Ross gets pulled over, for speeding (now, this is a man who boasts of making millions, even billions of dollars, so one would think a speeding ticket would be easily managed, but I digress), and, faced with the life-or-death decision of demerit points, decides to jump off of a bridge. Obviously, the physics of the situation eluded the brainstormers – surely Rick Ross would have sunk to the bottom of the ocean like a heavy, heavy rock, or at the very least would have emptied that particular body of water with the sheer force of his girth. In any case, whoever came up with this idea is a special, special person. Of course, I use “special” in the pejorative sense.
8. The boats
Okay. I feel like I’ve missed something here, and perhaps I have, and it will all be resolved in the director’s cut of this video, but why is Rick Ross suddenly in different clothes, surrounded by women in bikinis, on a yellow speedboat? What has happened here? I’m assuming that there was a plan beforehand, one that goes along these lines: In the event that Rick Ross will get pulled over for speeding on a bridge, we should have numerous speedboats, piloted by women in bikinis, zooming through the waters of Miami, carrying a change of clothes, and a healthy wad of cash to throw in the water, for said fugitive. Following his rescue from the water, the lines of communication will open, and everybody’s speedboats will meet up for fun times.
9. Fat Joe
Ahh, yes. What would a mediocre video be without the hideous visage of Fat Joe mean-mugging the camera?
10. Rick Ross throwing money into the water
He’ll regret that in a few years, when the law of diminishing record sales returns takes hold, and he finds he can’t maintain his prodigious circumference, make it rain, and pay his speeding tickets all at once anymore.
11. Rick Ross’ passion
He seems so genuinely upset that he had to tell that white girl it was their last dance. I don’t know why, but all of a sudden I feel for the guy, just a little bit.
12. Diddy?
Exactly how was he hoodwinked into appearing in this? Apparently somebody’s child support bills are proving to be a little more difficult to pay than originally thought.
13. Rick Ross’ dance
Is it just me, or does Rick Ross’ dance bear an unmistakable resemblance to the humping motion Will Ferrell makes in ‘Wedding Crashers’? He does the same facial expression as well. Is Rick Ross going meta on us?
14. R. Kelly’s absence
It’s fine, I guess, but I don’t know why Rick Ross is pretending to sing the chorus. I’m pretty sure those higher notes would just get muffled by his beard.
15. Car racing?
I don’t even know what’s happening anymore, but I do know there are fast cars all of a sudden, and Rick Ross is wearing red leather. And he’s wearing sunglasses, at night. That can’t be safe.
16. R. Kelly!
He’s back. I suppose his legal aversion to water sports played a role in his absence from the boat scenes. Ayo!
17. Rick Ross’ get up
The beard and the red leather jacket makes him look like a scary, scary Santa Claus.
18. The Grammys
Why are they going to the Grammys? Won’t the cop that he ran away from see him on TV? And why, pray tell, is the paparazzi going bonkers for Rick Ross? And what the hell is R. Kelly wearing around his neck? And what is DJ Khaled doing now? I’m assuming he was detained, and is being questioned about Rick Ross’ possible whereabouts. Kind of shitty of Rick, if you ask me. Sorry Khaled, gotta amble over to the bridge here and go party in speedboats, race cars, and go to the Grammies. You deal with the authorities, if you will. Shit’s a little condescending.
19. The weird neckpiece at 3:26
What is that? Who is wearing that? Why is there a close-up of it here? Watch Rick Ross do a flabbergasting Arsenio impression right after it though.
20. The conclusion
Well, apparently I’ve been duped. That didn’t happen, of course. DJ Khaled and Rick Ross dealt with the situation in a far more civilized, and realistic manner. Instead of paying, um, a speeding ticket, they apparently have diamond-flooded watches on hand to bribe police officers with. And then he hands it over, and while he does that, he says, “Sir, here’s my license.” Super, super badass, Rick Ross.
21. ‘Boss’
From now on, when somebody says something to me indicating an end to the conversation – “Sir, have a nice day,” for example, from which a simple “You too” would suffice – I will, like Rick Ross, simply say, “Boss.”
Previously Posted — “We The Best”? – DJ Khaled’s “I’m So Hood” Remix Video
Posted in GENERAL, MUSIC, VIDEO — Tags: Rick Ross, Speedin, Trilla, VIDEO
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45 Comments
funny shit
1st?
Damn guess not.
Prodigy (No, the OTHER Prodigy)-The Fat Of The Land:
http://rapidshare.com/files/84233546/P-T_F_O_T_L_1997_.rar
And oh yeah…
Boss!
LMAO @ #2 and 10
at least the image stick with the sound. for once one can appreciate the fastlife of Miami too much style! (in good or bad) but the beginning and end of da video is terrible. Just terrible, wavy, boat & sound, diddy, joe, women…and the boss! (lol) too strong for you ni****.just watch Like A Hustla and u understnd.
“BOSS!” translated the video if you have just missed it while having made a epillepsy’s crisis sometimes happen it of the part in the car.
Greumsed counsel! Peace,
Dhat Vyhde Ize Chyte! … Maybach Music Comin’ soon…………………………………………………………………….!
“Seeing him plant his left foot and break into a full-out, unwieldy, heavy-gutted sprint for the side of the bridge is, simply put, one of the best things I have ever seen.”
word!!! hahaha…that shit was hilarious..
Prodigy Vs. Lake
http://www.worldstarhiphop.com/videos/video.php?v=wshhACJWj43vSUUjLJvE
^ This ish is hilarious!
Dah Shyht ! Ize Greums’ Chyte! laygendahryyh …
1Owwhhh OOwwhhhooOwwww !
owwwhhoowwwOohhhhhwhwww ! TRILLAAWHW!
OwOwwhhhhhhhhooooohOOOOOO $!
…
Billionaire!!!! aahahhahaaa!
WTF do Gruems be talking about?
“If Rick Ross were an automobile, judging from his acceleration, he would be a retarded sloth strapped to square wheels, soaked in molasses.”
I lol’d.
before the officer says “Sir, have a nice day”
… rick ross says “here is my …??”
thx. sorry @Amp! i’m so greumsy sometimes.
peace yall, bye.
Right on Matthew!
That “I’m So Hood” post was absolute classic shit. I still have the printout of that shit!!!
that was hilarious.
Mundy ur a fucking fool.
Great post.
best. post. ever.
HAHAHAHA…
Mundy… one day you’re going to be punished with a Rick Ross massage. For real.
Estelle-The 18th Day
http://www.zshare.net/download/3892628e3fc724/
#6 and #7 had me rollin! This one is just as good as the I’m So Hood critique. Looking forward to the next one.
i too was saying what is on Kells’ chain. A retarded Ralph Lauren Polo Bear? good post, mundy!
anyone got a link to estelle’s shine? all the old ones are dead…
THEKID already put some stink on this, but I gotta co-sign..
If Rick Ross were an automobile, judging from his acceleration, he would be a retarded sloth strapped to square wheels, soaked in molasses.
Wow. I choked on my coffee and for got I had a headache.
you outdid yourself…. comedy.
for got=forgot
Houston Hard Hitters…
http://www.myspace.com/vzilla
http://www.myspace.com/hisd
http://www.myspace.com/lowerlifeform
http://www.myspace.com/thelegendarykokotix
http://www.myspace.com/togetherbrothers
http://www.myspace.com/kayofthefoundation
Greumsy, you had me at hello (NH), and lost me…right…………about………here…………….
just watch Like A Hustla and u understnd.
“BOSS!” translated the video if you have just missed it while having made a epillepsy’s crisis sometimes happen it of the part in the car.
Greumsed counsel! Peace,
Dhat Vyhde Ize Chyte! … Maybach Music Comin
say what?
I was reading a professional review of the Maybach, and did yall know that it’s actually a lemosine? So niggas driving is just retarded. You supposed to be sitting in the back.
greumsy is super wack and needs to update whatever french to english translator he uses for his posts.
man, you should just watch 106 & Park and write your observations…this ish is priceless.
By the by…Green Screens should have a restraining order against DJ Khaled or any of his associates…
Hold up. Did anyone catch this one?
He’s back. I suppose his legal aversion to water sports played a role in his absence from the boat scenes. Ayo!
ROFL
Mundy you killed this one. I liked # 10 as well. lol
Dj Rack$ & Dj Rah2k Reflections Of The Coolest (Lupe Fiasco & Talib kweli)
1) LIGHTWORKING – J DILLA (RIP), TALIB KWELI & Q-TIP
2) HURT ME SOUL – LUPE FIASCO
3) IN THE MOOD – TALIB KWELI, KANYE WEST & ROY AYERS
4) HI-DEFINITION – LUPE FIASCO, SNOOP DOGG & POOH BEAR
5) HOLY MOLY – TALIB KWELI
6) AMERICAN TERORIST – LUPE FIASCO, MATTHEW SANTOS
7) REAL WOMAN – TALIB KWELI, UGK, RAHEEM DEVAUGHN (RIP PIMP C)
8) FIGHTERS – LUPE FIASCO, MATTHEW SANTOS
9) MOMMA CAN YOU HEAR ME – TALIB KWELI
10) DAYDREAMIN’ – LUPE, JILL SCOTT
11) COUNTRY COUSIN’S – TALIB KWELI, UGK (RIP PIMP C)
12) LITTLE WEAPON – LUPE FIASCO BISHOP G, NIKKI JEAN
13) HOT THING – TALIB KWELI, WILL.I.AM
14) GOLD WATCH – LUPE FIASCO
15) THE BLAST – TALIB KWELI
16) SUPERSTAR REMIX- LUPE FIASCO, YOUNG JEEZY, TI, MATTHEW SANTOS
17) GET BY REMIX – TALIB KWELI
18) THE EMPEROR’S SONG – LUPE FIASCO
19) MOVE SOMETHIN’ – TALIB KWELI
20) PARIS, TOKYO – LUPE FIASCO
21) HOSTILE GOSPEL REMIX – TALIB KWELI, JOEL ORTIZ, & BLU
22) SWANG ON EM’ – LUPE FIASCO, BUN – B
http://rapidshare.com/files/10416232…lib_kweli_.rar
And this aint no april Fools Joke
LOL
@ D. Sin..yeah it’s a limo if ya able to
cop a 62 The 57 & 57S can be driven like a
sedan. Cost of a fly house in the ‘H’ on
wheels. I hope these dudes puttin’ some
shit away and investing right. Living for
the flash is one thing but when it fades
the sordid horror stories are soon to follow.
Surprised E or any of the other salacious
outlets have yet to make a show ‘When Spendin’
Goes Wrong’.
Aight, that’s right. I was looking at the regular one, the 62. My mistake.
I’m actually gonna go cop me a 57S tomorrow yo
no.6 and no.10…too dirty
missed the “im so hood” critique, but if its near as funny as this ima do some diggin…
no.6 and no.10 had me chokin on powerade
missed the “im so hood” critique, but if its near as funny as this ima do some diggin
fuckin’ p.diddy…….
didnt mean to post twice
This Is very insightful man .
wow, hilarious… I will be watchin tha video and gettin to the “Hood” video review
That is some funny shit
Mr. Mundy, my dear friend, I must admit that I did not finish reading your post. To be honest, I was laughing too hard. It is not what you say, but the way you say it. One thing that I must hand to the TSS crew, (aside from the plethora of kudos that my co-workers, friends, and significant other must randomly hear about every time that I take the time to read a post of yours,) is that you folks have a menacing command over the English language. I just had to get that out of my system before I continued reading. By the way, I had to stop at “In hip-hop today, my friends, that thing is music videos with DJ Khaled in them.”
P.S. I believe that history shall be the judge of Mr. Khaled’s music videos. As it shall be for Mr. Bush’s presidency.