Presidential Shit – Youngbloodz – Comparison of Presidential Candidates & Their Rap Counterparts

Words By Matthew Mundy with contributions by Giles ‘Murder Death Kill’ Sutherland

As the primaries rapidly approach us, like some type of hideous, strangely captivating, careening locomotive of mediocrity, it would seem logical – albeit a little ambitious – to try and pair up each of the candidates with a rapper. Of course, such science is all too often an imperfect one, and the choices will likely reflect that. As always, any suggestions, corrections, or barely coherent, obscenity-laced tirades are more than welcome.

The Republicans

Candidate: Rudy Giuliani – Mean-spirited, cold-hearted, Machiavellian, egomaniacal overlord of New York.

Rapper: 50 Cent – Now the only question is who will play Tony Yayo to Giuliani’s Fiddy come election-time?

Why it doesn’t work: Aside from the fact that Giuliani’s a Republican and spent his entire reign in the Big Apple defending cops who sprayed bullets against people who look like 50 (read: Black), Giuliani could see a huge promotion in the near future. Lord knows 50′s far from another Get Rich Or Die Tryin’. Plus, I would suspect 50′s probably nicer to the women and children in his life.

Candidate: Mitt Romney – Ahhh, the Stormin’ Mormon. Now, this one is a little more difficult – uncomfortably plastic, ideologically flexible/expedient, a walking, talking depository of fraudulence and opportunistic invention. What rapper could possibly fit that bill?

Rapper: Vanilla Ice – Bringing out a legendary joke of a rapper is probably taking the easy route and should be disallowed. But, like wrap-around goals in NHL ’93, it legitimately works. They have similar hair; they’re both hyperbolically white; they’re both repulsive; and they both make up stuff about their past to get elected/sell records.

Why it doesn’t work: Romney wasn’t, to his campaign’s everlasting folly, in “TMNT II: The Secret of the Ooze.” Plus, Mitt’s a far dumber first name than Vanilla.

Candidate: Mike Huckabee – Barn-storming, Bible-thumping pastor comes out of nowhere to become, perhaps, the front-runner.

Rapper: Kanye West - Jesus Walks, anyone?

Why it doesn’t work: Huckabee used to be super fat. Kanye didn’t. Huckabee (probably) doesn’t carry around a box of porn to primary events. Kanye would. Huckabee probably doesn’t go through much bullshit at all to mess with drunk and hot girls. Kanye goes through tons of bullshit to do so, to his great consternation.

Candidate: John McCain – Battle-scarred, old-as-time itself, straight-talking politician who separates himself from the pack with his honesty and experience. Has seen his popularity dip in recent years.

Rapper: Scarface – I actually thought of this one before remembering that McCain’s face is, indeed, scarred, so I apologize for sounding insensitive. I just think this one works well anyway. I feel like an asshole. It was supposed to be a compliment.

Why it doesn’t work: Far as I know, Scarface was never kidnapped and tortured in Vietnam. Similarly, I doubt McCain has ever described himself as a Geto Boy, and I think on his block, people don’t laugh when you pass out. They probably just check to make sure you’re alright and then call an ambulance.

Candidate: Fred Thompson – Often incomprehensible, his rubbery face reverberating like an ocean of skin as an unadulterated stream of incoherence spills out of his misshapen mouth, I would never have picked this guy to be the only candidate who has an acting career.

Rapper: Cam’ron – Cam’ron has made a career out of spitting unadulterated streams of incoherence. He’s a rapper though, so it’s fine. Thompson, on the other hand, is a presidential candidate. And judging from Cam’s 60 Minutes appearance, he would be wise to avoid speaking his mind in public in the future. Thompson would do well to heed that advice as well.

Why it doesn’t work: Cam’ron’s face is made of skin and LSD. Thompson’s face is made of rubber and confusion, and he looks like The Mask with advanced dementia. Would it be a stretch to say that Killa Season is rap’s “Law and Order“?

Candidate: Tom Tancredo – Hysterically screaming, batshit-insane man on the corner of the stage. Hates Hispanic people.

Rapper: DJ Khaled – Similar to Tancredo at a debate, whenever you see Khaled in a video you’re always a little unsure who invited him, why his presence is tolerated, and what happened in his life to make him what he is today. He’s also, of course, a little psychologically unhinged. Like Tancredo, who hates Hispanic people, Khaled hates people who aren’t the best, or assert that they themselves, to the exclusion of Khaled, are in fact the best. Like Tancredo, Khaled is certainly not above screaming to make his point.

Why it doesn’t work: I don’t think Tancredo would give Fat Joe a job. I think if Joe really listened to his rhymes for the last decade or so it would be doubtful if he would even give himself a job. Khaled would though, as Joe did for Khaled.

Candidate: Ron Paul – Also crazy, but inexplicably popular. Not sure if his supporters are being hipster-ironic or not – like, would they actually vote for him? Or do they just think this is all really funny?

Rapper: Dipset! Dipset! – Yeah, sure, Cam’ron definitely has his moments, and Juelz can spit as well. But Jim Jones is boiled garbage and the less said about the other assorted hangers-on the better. At the same time, they are fucking huge! How did this happen?

Why it doesn’t work: There are many people in Dipset. There is only one Ron Paul. That also being said, I don’t see why Dipset wouldn’t invite Ron Paul into their crew. I mean, Ronny’s certainly used to inexplicably frenzied fans, and probably crazy libertarian groupie love as well, so Dipset wouldn’t be a far stretch.

Candidate: Duncan Hunter – I know, I know. Duncan who? When I first saw him on stage at one of the debates, I thought he may be a well-dressed homeless, crazy person who had somehow taken out Newt Gingrich or something and staked out a poorly-recognized fiefdom at far stage right. Remember when the first earpieces came out for cell phones, and you would walk down the street and see a well-dressed, visibly wealthy person talking to himelf, and you’d be like damn, crazy dude has some nice clothes? But, alas, I was wrong in both cases. Do you think Duncan’s family knows he’s running?

Rapper: Benzino – Did anybody even know that Benzino released an album this year? That he was still alive? It’s true.

For a good laugh, check out the second review, the five-star one that’s clearly been written by Dave Mays. You can tell it’s Mays because he actually compares Benzino albums, and anybody who has had the misfortune of buying, or making him/herself aware of a Benzino album, doesn’t make that same mistake again.

Why it doesn’t work: Despite his lightspeed-quick fall from grace, Benzino probably still has better name recognition in Republican/all circles than does Duncan Hunter. Probably even amongst the candidates. Do you think Giuliani even knows who Duncan Hunter is?

The Democrats

Candidate: Barack Obama – The great hope in the race right now, he’s fresh, smart as a whip, thoughtful, charismatic, and seems to be rid of a lot of the partisan baggage that all the other candidates carry. A breath of fresh air.

Rapper: Andre 3000 – Yeah, he’s not new at all. But, we’re plum out of the next great hopes in rap right now and 3 Stacks fits in better than anyone else. He’s also brilliant, charismatic, and far better than virtually anybody else – plus, he’s also rid of the coast/topic-partisan baggage, being equally at ease over a remix of ‘Walk It Out’ as he is rhyming about ‘time travelin’… somethin’ mind unravelin.’ Much like Obama gets props from everybody – be they Democratic, Republican, independent, white, black, etc. – Andre gets love from everyone as well – from the backpackers to the thugs to the kids who accidentally heard ‘Hey Ya’ and had their brains (probably literally) explode with delight.

Why it doesn’t work: Obama’s brand new with little experience. Andre’s a seasoned veteran and already a legend. Nevertheless, I hereby nominate “Return of the ‘G” as the next song Obama should walk onto stage to at the next debates, as the primaries thus far have been woefully, woefully bereft of Outkast songs.

Candidate: Hillary Clinton – Politically skillful, calculating, she’s been on the ropes a hundred different times and keeps on coming back. She came in on Bill’s back and is now setting off on her own, albeit with quite a few bumps on the way as people find out more and more about her rather accommodating and bendable ethical code.

Rapper: Diddy – Much like Hillary, he came into the game on a legend’s back, and was forced to make due on his own once Biggie passed. Since then it’s been a rather mixed bag, but you know he’ll always be around, for better or worse. And I think that anybody who saw how the Shyne shit went down knows that Diddy is only looking out for number one.

Why it doesn’t work: Hillary’s a woman; Diddy’s a man. Hillary’s career has been on a steady incline since her husband left the White House, while Diddy’s has been quite the opposite since Biggie died. Plus, Hillary would have cracked down much harder on the various casts of “Making Da Band” than Diddy did and it’s doubtful she likes cheesecake as much as he does either.

Candidate: John Edwards – The populist, veteran politician who has changed his ways since the debacle of the 2004 elections and his vote for the war on Iraq. Goes to great lengths to identify with the little guy. But, he gets burned by the fact that he gets $400 haircuts.

Rapper: Common – Like Edwards, he’s a populist as well (he has a song called “The People” for chrissakes). Also like Edwards, his credentials are challenged somewhat by the fact that he appears in Gap ads. That, like Edward’s $400 haircut, will forever be a black mark on his career.

Why it doesn’t work: Common is pretty popular; Edwards, for reasons unknown to me, hasn’t really seen his popularity take off this primary season, and looks to be bowing out sometime soon. Plus, Common made Resurrection. Edwards ran with John Kerry. Common wins.

Candidate: Bill Richardson – Jowls a-flapping, Richardson has firmly set up camp as Hillary Clinton’s biggest fan in the primaries. Clearly angling for some type of VP or at least cabinet position, he’s a vile, gullet-y sycophant to the extreme, with little discernible political skills of his own, despite the fact he’s been in politics longer than practically everybody else.

Rapper: Memphis Bleek – The eternal second fiddle, Bleek has been the rap equivalent of the Secretary of the Interior his entire career and he has only attained this mediocre posting because of the love lavished on him by other, greater rappers.

Why it doesn’t work: Bleek doesn’t have a weight or rage problem. Plus, he’s at least solicited and guaranteed the love of a greater patron – Richardson just looks pathetic. Richardson’s probably closer to a hit record though.

Candidate: Dennis Kucinich – Truth be told, I like Kucinich. I just want to get that out of the way first. What Kucinich is to the race, of course, is the fringe, trying to drag people over to his camp and failing miserably. His wife is far prettier than he is.

Rapper: I hate to do this Dennis, but Flavor Flav. Kucinich isn’t nearly the buffoon Flav is, but you do get a bit of a Flavor Flav feeling when Kucinich, the tiny titan that he is, rants from the side of the stage. Flav is a joke though, and everytime he whores himself out to TV he further sullies the legacy of one of the greatest rap groups ever. Dennis, I’m sorry. Oh, and all women are far prettier than Flav is.

Why it doesn’t work: Dennis is smart, ambitious, and of the highest moral fiber. Flav… ummm, a little bit less so. However, I would give at least a toe, and maybe a finger, if Dennis would punctuate at least one point in a debate with ‘Yeahhhhhh Boiiiiiii.’ Or if he appeared on his own “Flavor of Love” once the primaries wrapped up.

Candidates: Chris Dodd and Joe Biden – I am lumping them in together because I don’t know enough about them to distinguish them. All I know is that they both have unicorn locks.

Rappers: T-Pain and Akon – Sure, sure, they’re not rappers. Nor do they have anything to do with Dodd and Biden. But vocoders are rap’s unicorn locks.

Why it doesn’t work: I’m sure there are a billion reasons. But first and foremost would be that Dodd and Biden are not nearly as ubiquitous as T-Pain and Akon are, though it would be hilarious if they were. Plus, it’s doubtful that either Dodd or Biden could pick somebody up over their heads and throw them into a crowd.

Could you imagine if that happened though? If at a debate somebody was like “Hey, unicorn locks, unicky unicky!” and threw a mango at Dodd or something and he was like, “Get up here!” in his yelling voice (Dodd is genetically incapable of the ‘inside voice’), and then he just ripped off his shirt (undoubtedly exposing unicorn chest locks) and picked the guy up over his head and tossed him like so many bean-bags into the audience. How awesome would that be? And if he did that without getting a hernia? I won’t get into Biden turbo-humping/grinding a girl like Akon did at that other show either, because I just thought of it and I threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Candidate: Mike Gravel – Once again, know nothing about Gravel. I know that he’s crazy though.

Rapper: Freekey Zeekey – I couldn’t give you one reason why this one works, but in my heart I know it does, like it’s Gravel’s nickname or child’s name or something like that. Maybe Gravel is Freekey Zeekey’s father? It feels right.

Why it doesn’t work – It works. Trust.
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